The human heart is an idol factory…~~John Calvin
Yes, I just quoted Calvin. I do still agree with a few things he said. And unlike some people, I can glean from people I don’t normally agree with. </snarkiness>
I have to confess, most women’s topical studies confuse the heck out of me. They always have this sort of attitude that says, “Women do X,” and I’m sitting there thinking, “I’ve never done that, I always do Y.” Over the years it’s become quite an issue for me. I read articles, and listen to other women, and I feel like I am in a foreign country. It makes me think I not only don’t understand women, but maybe I’m some sort of freak.
Take clothes for example. Really, take them, I couldn’t care less about them, and I can always find something cheap to replace them at the thrift store or Wal-Mart. 😉 But I just don’t care about clothes. I guess in so far as they are clean I think about them, but otherwise, they are just a necessity, like food.
Recently I attended a bible study that used a Beth Moore book called “So Long Insecurity.” (BTW, this is not going to go into whether I think Beth Moore is orthodox, or not, but I will say that if you want to argue that route and you have someone orthodox who is dealing with the issues she deals with to pass along to me, I’ll gladly discuss it.)
Anyway, she has a section in there about how women get hung up on comparing themselves to other women. And, again, I felt left out. I thought, I really couldn’t care less what anyone else, let alone other women, are doing. Maybe there was a time, before I hit middle age, that this sort of thing concerned me. But, now the blinders are off and, like a repeat of puberty, I suspect that everyone else is probably as miserable as I am despite their fake smiles. Why would I bother comparing myself?
So, again, I felt left out. The women in the group all had stories to convey, and I thought, well, this, along with my interest in cars, and hatred of shopping, and interest in other things bible pundits and the world tell me men like, just proves, again, that I’m probably not really a woman inside. 😀
But a few weeks later, something dawned on me. No, I’m not jealous of other women for their clothes, or their house, or their kids, and definitely not their spouse or his job. But there is one thing that I idolize in other women, their attitude. See, I have this idea that other women are somehow better than me because they know the right things to say and when to say them and when not to say anything. I haven’t a clue about these things. I was never taught and have been struggling to teach myself…not a fun or easy thing. It’s probably the main reason I avoid people, IRL, like the plague. But this idea I have, that certain other people have it all together in this area has caused me to place people who, in the end, don’t deserve it, on a higher place and look up at them with a sort of awe.
Then, it causes me great pain when they show their real colors and I’m left with my idol in pieces. I don’t know what to do at that point, so I usually do what I have always done, run. And I don’t think that’s really a good response. The other person whom I placed up there to worship, to think about “How can I be more like her?” probably doesn’t appreciate it. And it’s not very Godly to simply leave them when they’ve messed up big.
So, there it is, my idol. Maybe I should go back and re-read that chapter. 🙂