So, I have been “away” for a while. I’ll be honest, whether you can handle it or not, coz I’m just like that…I’ve stayed away coz life’s pretty sucky right now. I won’t go into details but it almost doesn’t get any lower than it is right now. At first, I was overwhelmed. It just didn’t seem like I could deal with this round of horror and for weeks I dragged around, mostly in tears.
One day, can’t remember which one, it was like this voice in my head said, “Um, Sara, you were made for this.” This came on the heels of several conversations I had with friends in private and public on Facebook after posting something about a story about child sexual abuse I’d written. You know what’s interesting when you’re honest as all that? The people come out of the woodwork with their stories. It’s really amazing. The moment you are honest, other people are relieved that they can be honest with you. They might have even been like you, keeping that pain inside them because so many people have rejected them when they’ve shared before, but when you open it up, when you lay it out, it’s scary as you-know-what, but it is apparently a comfort to others. And isn’t that what I always say? Or, I guess God-through Paul-said it first. (2 Cor 1:3,4)
Another little epiphany I had was directly related to this. Since 2 Cor 1:3,4 is my life’s verse, so to speak, I tend to focus on how I can help others out. Not a problem, of course. My problem actually is I am usually running ahead of God with this. I’m like, “OK, suffering, hooray. Now who can I help so I can feel better about this?” 😀 Apparently, that’s not really what I’m supposed to do at all. And that was a really good thing to learn now, because I’m pretty useless as far as help goes. I have way too much stress on me right now. This, of course, makes me feel guilty coz I can’t go out and help other people, can’t allow myself to really even empathize right now because my pain is so great that if I add someone else’s pain to it, I will be crushed under the weight of it all.
Yes, it really is that bad.
But, when I heard that little voice in my head, I remembered that this is only for a brief time. I’ve been through, well, there’s no other word for it, hell before, and often. It doesn’t last forever, and God has always carried me through, even before I knew Him, He was the one who got me through it all, and He will do it again, and I will give Him all glory (however imperfectly I do that).
(BTW, the Mariachi incident in this video, this actually happened to me once, when I had a huge headache. :D)