This morning as I was driving the kids to their various schools I was contemplating how in one week I’ve gone from one of my highest moments since I left, back down to a low spot. I no longer view God as some evil, vindictive, sadist who is trying to “get back at me” because I’ve been so bad, so I have to have a different way to process these things.
My first thought was that there are simply highs and lows right now. I just need to learn to deal with them. I knew precisely what was causing the low, which, I thought, made it slightly easier/less overwhelming to deal with. It was a fear I have had for a while that freezes me. I had asked for prayer on my Facebook regarding it and knew that, at some point, I’d be able to do away with it if I was persistent in my prayers.
This morning I woke and the feeling was worse. I had to think through it because I had a meeting scheduled with my case worker at the abused women’s center where I receive services. I don’t like to go into a session without something already working in my head because I find that unproductive. (Which might prove somewhat ironic when you hear the rest of this story.)
I was almost to Babycakes’ school when, out of seemingly nowhere, the word “rest” entered my mind. I knew immediately it was from God. And over the next few minutes it became obvious what it meant and why He’d given it to me.
I need a job, I need an affordable place to live. I trust, truly, that God will provide those things. I know without a doubt all our needs will be met.
I am a planner. Nothing gives me greater joy than to fill in all the little calendar squares so I know what’s going on and where everyone needs to be and when. (Now, my need to have something in each of those spaces will be dealt with in a future post on Sabbath rest, but that’s a different definition of rest than this.)
As I drove away from the school and toward the next one, I knew completely what God was telling me. I explained it to Spock on the way home from dropping his other brothers off at their school.
You see, while I trust God for our needs, I noticed after I was given that word, rest, that I am trying to create my own vision for what His Provision will look like. It seems incongruous with my words, and, to be honest, until I was given that word, I don’t think I had a real idea that I was doing this. But, once it entered my mind, I knew.
I don’t know right now what God’s exact plans are for me and my kids, but it is perfect, because He is perfect. I need to rest in that.