No Words

wordsI honestly don’t even know how to write what happened two Thursdays ago. I thought that once I talked to a few people about it, the words would come. But I’ve tried to write things down several times now and all I have is a lot of unfinished blog entries.

All I can say is that as I cried and prayed on the way to the meeting with the lawyers and my ex, I realized that my biggest fear had absolutely nothing to do with my circumstances. It wasn’t the divorce, wasn’t even what actually would happen at the meeting. My biggest fear is that God would turn out to be just like my parents and my ex.

Anyway, I told God that I feared He would drop me. I told Him I figured He’d cut and run, just like my parents and my ex. I didn’t really ask for anything at all. I just told Him how I felt.

I went into the meeting with a feeling of terror. The same feelings of all those times in my life I needed my parents and the times I needed my husband, and they were nowhere. They abandoned me in my need, whether I was facing intense despair, or I was facing the possible death of my son, there was no one around who was actually supposed to be there.

Nearly two hours later I walked out sort of numb. There were some bad things, but the good so far outweighed the bad that it was obvious that God had indeed been there for me. I think I was just quietly surprised that God didn’t do what other people who claimed to serve Him and obey Him have done to me my whole life.

Beyond that, I cannot find the words to describe it adequately.

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