Decisions

A few months ago, a new edition of Hope for the Weary Mom was released. I didn’t think I should spend the money on it at the time since I have the older copy. So I dusted mine off (can you say that about a Kindle book?) and began to re-read it. 

At the end of each chapter there are questions for the reader. I wrote my answers on the Kindle so I can actually still read them. All I have to say is, I can’t believe I didn’t end my life back then.

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This was several years ago. My notes are replete with my hopelessness and the knowledge that my husband didn’t love me, didn’t care about being a dad or taking care of his responsibilities. The worst part is that, at the time, God seemed at fault as well.

In my notes I wrote that I had prayed to God as a child to make my parents stop abusing me, I prayed that I would marry a godly man who would love me and we could raise a family together, I prayed that my children would never endure the suffering I did. God said no.

It’s painful to read through my old answers. I was suffering so greatly and I had no support. At that time I couldn’t even call what he was doing abuse. It was just something I had to put up with because I married him and I was stuck.

I think I still believed there was no such thing as free will. That people’s actions were dictated by God, completely, yet, somehow they were still culpable because they would have chosen to do evil even if they had free will. That belief kept me tethered to abuse as much as the belief that divorce was the greater sin. God had decreed that I should suffer under my parents abuse and suffer with an ungodly husband who claimed to be a Christian, therefore I could do nothing to free myself. It wasn’t God’s will for me to do so.

I don’t believe that way anymore, and it has not only freed me from abuse, it’s made me a better parent. I no longer feel the oppression that comes from thinking there’s no hope because God already determined every single.last thing that will ever happen. I no longer pray only because God demands I pray, without hope that anything around me will change.

I believe that my parents abused me because they are terrible people who decided that what they wanted was far more important than anything else. They had access to the same bible I have access to but they chose to ignore God’s commands and pursued their own lusts and desires. My husband, as well, has the same, and has chosen the same.

I no longer believe that God did this, I believe these people choose to follow their own flesh and that I have the same decision to make. I can choose to give into my anger or my temptation. I can take my frustration out on everyone around me, or I can obey God’s Word. I have lived both ways, and have found the latter is far more pleasant.

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