While Grace is limitless, my strength and what I can deal with each day are not. This is a difficult thing for me because I am used to berating myself for any perceived imperfection. Today, in particular, has been a trial. I have about five things that I needed to do today (or so I see it) and all of them are difficult. Not physically, that I can handle, but emotionally. I was tired before I even finally crawled out of bed at 7:30 this morning, or maybe it was 8.
I had truly intended to do all of them, but as I knocked the first three off my list I realized the other two simply cannot happen today and I need to stop beating myself up over it.
It permeates our thinking and, ultimately, even our faith. We look at our to do list and we think, OK, I can do all things through Christ. Got it.
But is that what we are really doing? One thing I’m trying to learn is that sometimes my to do list isn’t God’s to do list. Too many times I find myself saying, “But God, I have to do all this, if I don’t everything is going to fall apart. I need to find a job, like yesterday. I need to get all these papers together now because I can’t get services for the kids until I do.” And it goes on.
I feel a lot of outside pressure. Of course, I have to make sure I do everything to take care of my kids. I have responsibilities. I have other pressures that I think are outside but I have atually placed them on myself. I want to get through this because I want other women to see they can do this, break away from their abuser and trust God to get them through.
But I also have a lot of other things I have to deal with as well, 45 years worth of them, and sometimes these things are going to have to be dealt with by not doing everything I “need” to do each day.
Sometimes that still feels like a cop out to me, that I am somehow shirking my responsibilities by not getting everything done in one day. Yet I still fall into bed exhausted at the end of each day. Drained more than I have been probably since I was waiting for Spock to be born. There isn’t enough caffeine in the world to give me the energy to go one more step after the kids are in bed.
The weight of everything I need to do, coupled with the weight of the past, is, today, far more than I wanted to bear.
I keep hoping for a break. I keep looking for one. But each day I have to do something that reminds me that my ex still doesn’t care. That he’s still lying about being changed. I feel sometimes that he’s going to win.
When it gets that bad there’s not much to do, except gorge myself on CCM and find some Scripture to pray. I prefer to pray Scripture at times like this because my mind refuses to focus. It flits around to all the problems and pretty soon my thoughts are somewhere in Pyongyang. 🙂
This week I’ve been praying Psalm 27. It’s been one of my favorites for years. So much of it describes my life perfectly. Particularly now, when all I have left is Faith. (Love vs 13 in the NASB, btw.)
This hope does not make our imperfections less. It doesn’t mean we won’t mess up and make mistakes or wrong decisions. It doesn’t mean that we will suddenly be able to do all the things that need to be done. Sometimes God tells us to wait on Him. It doesn’t mean He doesn’t think these things are important, or He doesn’t care, it’s just that this is something we have to go through.
Maybe God gives us these limits simply so we will wait, will trust, will have faith.