Picture Imperfect

The kids, except Babycakes, are staying home this year for school. I hope it will be a time of healing for them after such a difficult year last year. There are a lot of thoughts I have as I begin to order curriculum and try (not) to envision a plan.

Yeah, “not.”

I have a problem, I’ve noticed, I am a visionary. Most people in America don’t see that as a problem, but for me it has become a huge hang-up. This is mostly because my vision sometimes hasn’t been matching up with reality lately. There’s nothing wrong with what I imagine the future as, except that it’s becoming more evident that a lot of times, it’s not what God has planned for our future.

That’s no longer as overwhelming a thought as it once was. It doesn’t drive me to despair of all hope. That’s because the person who was supposed to be helping me with that future but was never interested in it (or me, or the kids, or God, or, well, anything but himself and his addiction) is no longer a part of it.

Instead, this year, as I return to homeschooling most of my kids, I go into it with the absolute knowledge that my ex will never help me more than monetarily, instead of continuing to delude myself. This year, as it always has been, it’s all on me. But this year, unlike in the past, I will not be waiting on help that will never come, I will be resting and trusting in the Help I will always have, the Help I can always count on.

Each day of this journey, the Lord has made Himself known to us. He has given us shelter, food, support. He has never left us, even when the situation seemed hopeless or dire. Most of all, when my eyes are on Him, He has given me the Peace Scripture speaks of, the Peace which passeth all understanding (I like the wording of the KJV…I’m old. lol).

I have no reason to doubt He will not be with us this year in our schooling. I have an unusual (for me) confidence that He will continue to walk alongside me and be all that He has promised, no matter how difficult our situation might become.

There are things I still haven’t worked out, like, what about work, and what about making sure BC has enough attention when he gets home, but they are slowly becoming more clear. I know God will direct me.

From the outside, my situation looks a mess, it looks so far less than perfect. It was definitely never my vision to be openly doing this on my own.

But from God’s view, I think it must look perfect. Because we are now a family submitted to Him, to His Will for us, to be used by Him in whatever manner He has planned.

This year, I hope more than anything, to teach my children that God alone is whom they should serve. I pray they will learn, more than any subject, that God is the One they can rely on, the One who will never put unimportant things first. I want them to learn His Love and His Power. I want them to discover that serving God and giving their lives to Him might not produce what our world thinks is prosperity and ease but it will give them Peace and Joy beyond all measure.

psalm-37-5

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