faithFaithlessness in a person who openly claims to be a follower of Christ is an ugly, ugly thing. Now, I’m not talking about moments of doubts. I’m not talking about times of confusion when life hits us hard and it takes us a bit to regain our footing. I’m talking about the hypocrisy that is a person who claims to be a Christian all the while only trusting in himself. (Yes, I’m talking mainly about Zelena, but also about my parents and a few other abusers I’ve known inside the church.)

I crunched the numbers. Now that I have us on food stamps, we can live “very uncomfortably,” according to the budget app I used, on $2800/mo. (I wouldn’t normally post the numbers but I want whoever reads this to understand exactly how ugly faithlessness is, and the numbers more than prove it.) I was feeling pretty good at that point. I thought, well, all I have to do is start with a part-time job and see where it works from there. With a part-time job I can pay off the debt I get from my ex (about $5000-8000, all the while I get about nothing of his retirement since he hasn’t added a dime to it since we got married 21 years ago) and have a small amount for savings.

Then Zelena decided his new route of abuse.

As he stood there and told me that basically he wasn’t going to pay the house payment as he’d agreed with the lawyers, I was struck by the sheer lack of faith he had. It was stunning. His eyes were devoid of hope, his face had no joy. He claims to have been a Christian his entire life, yet he has never had any real hope in Christ. It was ugly.

His words, as always, were meant to shake me. And, of course, to an extent they have. I would be a right fool not to be concerned about being homeless with five children.

But even if I am homeless and the kids and I live in the van (you may say that won’t happen but it is a very real possibility at the moment so just don’t even bother trying that route, people end up homeless, even Christians), I have something my ex never will have. I have hope. That hope is in Christ. And even if we are living in our van, well, for one, my ex won’t be there so that’s a plus, and two, Christ is there.

It looks like foolishness to those on the outside, and, as Paul said, if it’s not true, we are to be pitied the most. But I’d still rather face this with Christ than go on like Zelena, faithless and never seeing God’s blessing because I trust only in earthly goods.

Behold, God is my helper;
The Lord is the sustainer of my soul.
He will recompense the evil to my foes;
Destroy them in Your faithfulness.

Willingly I will sacrifice to You;
I will give thanks to Your name, O Lord, for it is good.
For He has delivered me from all trouble,
And my eye has looked with satisfaction upon my enemies.
Psalm 54:4-7

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