I think it looks good from the outside. That’s probably what terrifies me more than anything. I wonder, am I still covering up for all the problems? Am I still only pretending? Because on this side of things it looks like I will never be free. I will never be done dealing with the abuse. I will never be done paying for my ex’s debt. It will be forever and I will be tied to it forever.
And that’s where it is. I am not free of the reminders of the abuse. I am not free of accusations. And in the midst of facing all I am facing there is no light at the end of the tunnel, because there is no end to the tunnel. And right now it’s just a steady stream flowing toward me and threatening to drown me.
I know, in my head, that one day I will be free. But right now I have no choice but to go through it. My usual positive attitude and my faith in God a help, but it doesn’t stop it from happening. And that, I guess, is what I wish everyone understood. That I am happy, that I am Saved, but that I am not free from what other people have forced on me and that is a heavy load to bear.