But I will sacrifice to You With the voice of thanksgiving. That which I have vowed I will pay. Salvation is from the Lord. ~~Jonah 2:9 NASB
It is interesting to me that today I would be given this verse. I say “given” because this is from a devotional. I did not decide to read the portion of Scripture. It, like the 1 Sam verse I blogged about yesterday, were in this devotional and set for the daily reading.
My thoughts on how I had never truly made a vow to the Lord in the vein that Hannah had now are something to contemplate, because the one thing I needed more than any other earthly thing, yesterday God provided. I needed a job and, to be honest, I was getting pretty desperate.
First, I need a job so I don’t completely freak out every month when the lawyer bill arrives. I do suspect Zelena will carry this on forever, if at all possible, and his parents, or possibly he’s counting on that bit of retirement I can’t have, will pay for his lawyer. I have some very kind friends who have helped me, but none of them have that kind of money lying around all the time just to give me.
Second, I need a job because, to be frank, I NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. *Deep calming breath* OK, truth is, the only reason I was an introvert is because of the abuse. I feared people and tired of them because I always had to put up a front. That’s exhausting. I am actually an ENFP and not being around people is killing me, maybe not as badly as the abuse was, but it’s pretty serious. So it will be nice to be around people each day.
Oddly enough, the last reason is to pay all the other bills. Yeah, it’s important to me but, well, look up ENFP and maybe you’ll understand. 😀
In all seriousness, however, God has provided that for which I have been pleading with him, and at the right time (I won’t freak out as much about today’s lawyer appointment as a result of this news yesterday).
As I asked yesterday, What will I do? I have been given an opportunity to do the thing I told God I wanted to do most when He told me to leave, be a witness. That requires faithful commitment to study God’s Word, to be in prayer, to not be the lazy person about this.
I know, I know, I’m supposed to always be doing that. And I do it far more than I did when I was married…mostly because my mind is clear and things I read don’t confuse me like they did when Zelena was here all the time. But often times I revert into my former comforts, as it were, my former ways of dealing with the stress, ways that might not seem bad, but they didn’t necessarily turn me to focus on Christ. As my case worker at the abused women’s center said, “They were what worked at the time, and it’s possible you’ve grown beyond them.”
So, I suppose, that somewhere along the line, this became my vow, most likely when I prayed, “God, provide me a job where I can be used best by You.” So here it is, and this is where the proverbial rubber meets the road. All my previous jobs I held before I was a Christian and looking back I can assure you that church attendance doesn’t help a person’s behavior. ;D The only thing that will help me is to bring all this to Him each day, maybe each moment, to really rely on Him completely for the strength to do what’s right.
It’s easy to be His witness from the comfort of my own home, writing without interaction, it’s another thing to be out among people who have an entirely different world view and thoughts about God.
But He has sustained me and brought me through to the other side of 45 years worth of abuse, I have no reason to fear “man” because I know He is with me.