This is a part of October’s Five Minute Free Writes. This was supposed to be posted for Thursday but I haven’t had a chance until now.
I thought I knew what my calling was. I grew up in old-fashioned conservativism and the best a woman could be was a wife and a mom. It was our calling from God as women. Books were often frank about it such as John MacArthur’s God’s High Calling for Women. It was the best we could do. It was what God wanted us to do. (Please, ignore Paul on this one point, he was obviously delirious when he said it was better to be single in order to be 100% available for God’s use, His Call. </sarc>)
My therapist wants to know what I want to be now. I think she wants me to dream again. But it was my dreams that got me into the mess in the first place. My dreams of a godly family, serving the Lord together. I saw it at the church I attended at the time, Zelena told me that’s what he wanted. Then he proceeded to destroy it from the day we got married.
Now, I have no idea what I want to do, or what God is calling me to. It’s a little hard to think that far ahead with the very real threat of homelessness hanging over my head.
My mother always told me that God was calling me to a life of complete and utter loneliness (yes, there’s a darn good reason I have nothing to do with that woman). I was a member of a denomination that was fond of saying that our calling in this life is to suffer, and on that note actually told abused women that this was what God made them for.
I’m pretty certain that last part is not my calling. But beyond that, I haven’t a clue. Life is day-to-day right now. It’s moment-to-moment. If I think too far into the future…it’s all darkness.
October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month so I’m linking to another article about DV in each of my posts. Today’s article is Drowning In Plain Sight: Domestic Violence Hidden Between The Pews.