Five Minute Friday–Trust

brokentrust

(This is a part of the 31 Days of Five Minute Writing as well as Five Minute Friday)

Well, isn’t this appropriate? Trust. Today of all days. 😦

START

Twenty-One years ago today my life was destroyed. Twenty-One years ago today Stan revealed himself for who he really was. Twenty-One years ago today the abuse began, abuse so bad that 20 years later I was on the verge of suicide, and he was trying to push me off the ledge. Twenty-One years ago today, it was my wedding day.

I do not trust you. Don’t take it personally. I just can’t. Not after what happened. Not after I visibly watched the person who had just been so affectionate to me in public, turn ice-cold, begin to manipulate me and drive me insane. He was always so nice in public, in front of other people. Maybe you’re the same. Maybe you’re not. I can’t afford to find out. Not after last time.

Stan had my family in his corner. My grandparents, the only people I’d ever thought loved me, constantly told me that the problem was me. Stan was a good person, I was lucky he was my husband, I needed to change to make him happy, it was all my fault. My mother was no different. Almost everyone around me said the same thing as well.

Twenty years later I sat in marriage counseling completely crushed by my husband’s non-stop stream of lies and manipulations.

“If I don’t get away from him, I’m going to kill myself.”

The therapist turned to my husband and calmly asked him how that made him feel, and did he want me to kill myself?

He said, “This makes me feel bad.” and “no.”

The therapist then gave him the choice of life and death over me.

“You have to make the choice, Stan,” she said. “Are you going to let her go and separate from you for a time or are you going to choose the alternative?”

Just as on my wedding day, I was in shock. The therapist had just told Stan that he got to choose whether or not I committed suicide, whether or not I lived or died.

He chose the latter.

But in that instant God stepped in, began to break the chains that Stan had bound me to him, and said, “No more.”

It would take me another several months before God ordered me out (He’d been telling me for over a year to leave, but I wouldn’t. I was still worshiping the creation (marriage) not the Creator.).

So, I hope you can understand that though I might love you and think you are a wonderful person, in my mind, no matter what you do, I will always wonder, “How will this person betray me? When will it be?”

My trust in all people has been utterly destroyed, and I harbor no real hope of getting it back.

STOP

PS Due to something that happened last month, I want to go on record to my friends that if you ever say one thing in defense of my evil ex-husband, I will no longer consider you my friend. The man chose death for me, don’t you dare defend him at any level. Don’t give me the lie that you want to be fair. It’s abuse, grow a spine, and pick a side.

5 Comments Add yours

  1. stephensdad says:

    Hopefully each day brings healing, peace and joy. You and the boys deserve the best. You are loved.

    1. sarasamomx5 says:

      With God’s help, it is getting better. Thanks, Lance. πŸ™‚

  2. My heart goes out to you, for what you have endured, and are continuing to endure – it’s never really over.

    If anyone would say a kind word about the people who raised me, I would also cut them dead. They weren’t there when I was growing up. They have no right to a single word.

    God bless.

    Here from FMF, #6 this week.

    http://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2015/10/reaching-for-god-blogbattle.html

    1. sarasamomx5 says:

      Thanks for reading. I think often one has to be hurt that bad to understand why there are people we cut out of our lives. I always think it’s kinda funny that Christians won’t watch “bad” movies and tv shows, won’t hang around druggies and alcoholics, but get all riled up when people feel the need to cut out toxic family members from their lives.

      Sorry for what you went through as a child. I know how that is too. It’s amazing how many terrible people there are out there. It certainly makes us appreciate the good ones. πŸ™‚

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