Are you ready to answer the hard questions? I’m not. I am fond of saying that my testimony is more likely to produce an atheist than a Christian, or, worse, be used to shame people who are struggling with their faith.
In the church, at least in the conservative churches I grew up in, testimonies were these pretty things, like perfect rose gardens in well-manicured parks. And they often ended with singing “and now I am happy all the time.”
But that’s not my life. It never has been. My testimony is dark and ugly, it’s nasty and terrifying, it’s not the sort of pretty story one gets up in front of the church and shares, or even shares in mixed company.
I do it anyway.
I didn’t want to. My fear of rejection is pretty steep. Every time I open my mouth to talk about what happened, I know that the person I’m sharing with could get that blank look and turn away. I fear the blank look, it reminds me too much of Zelena.
At first, when I started sharing, I thought I knew that God had a specific purpose. Now, however, I have no idea what God’s purpose is, only that He says I’m supposed to share.
It’s messy and ugly but it’s true and real and, hopefully, that will resonate with people.
Do I share because I’m ready? No. Do I share because I think I’ll get a convert out of it? No. Do I have the answers to the toughest questions, like how could God make/let you go through all this? No.
I’m not sure that’s what being “ready” means here. Since I’ve started sharing I think that maybe being “ready” is more likely being “willing.”
(This is part of the 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writing)