Day 10: Ready

testimony2“…ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you…” ~~1Peter 3:15

Are you ready to answer the hard questions? I’m not. I am fond of saying that my testimony is more likely to produce an atheist than a Christian, or, worse, be used to shame people who are struggling with their faith.

In the church, at least in the conservative churches I grew up in, testimonies were these pretty things, like perfect rose gardens in well-manicured parks. And they often ended with singing “and now I am happy all the time.”

But that’s not my life. It never has been. My testimony is dark and ugly, it’s nasty and terrifying, it’s not the sort of pretty story one gets up in front of the church and shares, or even shares in mixed company.

I do it anyway.

I didn’t want to. My fear of rejection is pretty steep. Every time I open my mouth to talk about what happened, I know that the person I’m sharing with could get that blank look and turn away. I fear the blank look, it reminds me too much of Zelena.

At first, when I started sharing, I thought I knew that God had a specific purpose. Now, however, I have no idea what God’s purpose is, only that He says I’m supposed to share.

It’s messy and ugly but it’s true and real and, hopefully, that will resonate with people.

Do I share because I’m ready? No. Do I share because I think I’ll get a convert out of it? No. Do I have the answers to the toughest questions, like how could God make/let you go through all this? No.

I’m not sure that’s what being “ready” means here. Since I’ve started sharing I think that maybe being “ready” is more likely being “willing.”

(This is part of the 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writing)

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Connie says:

    I really like the idea of being willing, not necessarily ready.

  2. carlybenson says:

    I’ve been away for a couple of days so I’m just catching up on your posts. I also like the idea of being willing to share your testimony, even if you don’t feel ready. I’m not sure I’d ever have done it if I’d waited until I felt ready. I also relate to what you say about sharing without really knowing what God’s purpose is. I think testimonies like yours are important because they’re real. I know I’ve heard testimonies where everything ends perfectly and it’s been hard because that’s not my experience. God never promises we will not have troubles in this life, but he does promise to be with us and to help us in them, and I think it’s important for people to hear stories like that.

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