Wrote this out then realized I’d finally come up with something for the prompt “green.” 😀
I gave up fiction writing for the month of October. Since you don’t know how my mind works, allow me to explain…that means there’s pretty much nothing left in my head. (no joke) I have to fill it with something so I’ve been listening to the Bible on my phone. Today, while I was doing the yard work I was listening to the Psalms. One caught my attention because this actually happened to me recently.
I was envious of the arrogant
As I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
For there are no pains in their death,
And their body is fat.
They are not in trouble as other men,
Nor are they plagued like mankind.
Therefore pride is their necklace;
The garment of violence covers them.
Their eye bulges from fatness;
The imaginations of their heart run riot.
They mock and wickedly speak of oppression;
They speak from on high.
They have set their mouth against the heavens,
And their tongue parades through the earth.
I suppose the easiest way to explain is to say, even by earthly standards, it’s not fair that Zelena has his parents’ millions and I have nothing. It’s not like Zelena has ever truly suffered in his life. His parents were not abusive, they didn’t intentionally expose him to pornography (he chose that path himself), they didn’t encourage him to a lascivious lifestyle in order to justify their own sins, etc. He got an education, he went to church every Sunday, he had every opportunity to do right. He chose to do evil. And now, he’s still not suffering.
Oh, yeah, there’s the pain of public humiliation now that we are getting divorced, but when one is a narcissist, that is easily explained away…because none of this is his fault, or, “well, yeah, maybe a little, but she..,” or, “well, I was messed up.” But there is never any true acknowledgement of his specific sins.
Maybe that’s why I want to be as open as I am about mine. Whether it’s the half-joke that one day when I become a famous writer my early work will be compared to Louisa May Alcott’s early work. Or the struggles I have to trust God.
I realized, again, last night as I was listening to a testimony, that voice still perks up in my head every once in a while that I’m no better than Zelena, that I have no right to stand up to him.
I think, though, that those thoughts are rooted in the lack of justice, the knowledge that when I face him in court next month, he will again win through lies and deceit. I will lose, no matter if I do the right thing or the wrong thing.
In my jealousy, which was probably at its high point after my in-laws did what they did in August, I have said and done a lot of things that were very wrong. I’m fairly certain I hurt a couple of innocent people in the wake of my wrath. And that makes me far more sick than the fallout that will result on me. It’s difficult to face the pain I cause other people, it honestly feels worse than anything that’s happened to me.
It was a relief to be delivered from the bitterness I had, but that came too late for the people I hurt.
There are days when I am overwhelmed by what I’m facing and I justify my private sins with the need to cope, then justify them further with the idea that it’s not really hurting anyone else. But I’ve noticed that it does, my private sins become public in my attitude, in whether or not I put Christ first in my dealings with others (good or bad others).
Jealousy of those whose private sins started this whole mess is foolish. Whether or not they “get theirs” in this life, or even in the life after cannot change my relationship with God and doing what it is He’s called me to do. Jealousy will hinder that, even if I’ve kept it so private that I’m not even aware of it.