Let us all pause for a moment to appreciate the irony that, when the prompt is a nice one, I have angst, but when it’s one that could be angsty, I’m in a relatively good mood. 😀
I should be weary. I should be sulking. Spock was diagnosed with scoliosis this week. This is my second child with it. After watching all the pain Farmer Boy went through, I’m not looking forward to round two. But I’m not weary.
But I was, once. When Zelena had depleted me of all my joy, all my life. I would never have been able to face this next challenge. Because, in my life, it’s always been something. And I have always been forced to face that something alone. Whether facing a life-threatening situation or illness with a child, or something as debilitating as scoliosis, I did it on my own.
I suppose it looks like I still am. But it’s easier now that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I can’t count on Zelena, that he never cared, that he is incapable. That probably sounds depressing to others, but to me it has been liberating.
I was asked a few weeks ago if it’s more difficult now that I’m a single parent. I could answer without hesitation that it’s easier. It’s easier to face the difficulties and trials of life without having to maneuver around Zelena’s selfishness and his attempts to make everything even worse, all the while enjoying my misery.
It’s probably hard for people who have never experienced the complete and total continuous rejection of their spouse and parents to understand, but it’s just easier to face the trials with strength and courage when those people aren’t around trying to tear me down in the midst of it.