Last week was basically a wash. Well, in terms of what I’d planned and what I’d been doing up to that point. I guess it wasn’t a complete wash, but it wasn’t what I’d hoped.
I’ve been working on this program called Declutter 365. It’s great. Each day there is a small assignment to go through something in the house and get rid of what you don’t use and organize what you do so it will work better for you. It’s been useful, and therapeutic.
But last week I had to go into the garage and clean out the fridge. A daunting task, yes, but no more so than the others. Still, with the bullying situation with Babycakes at school and the stress that it caused (enough to apparently make me sick for two days) it was a bit much. I finally started in on it, but when I got to the top of the fridge, that pretty much did me in.
I honestly didn’t realize it at first, just thought I was still struggling. My initial rush of success, of tossing things that were, quite honestly pure evil, didn’t help me.
Let me explain, especially about the pure evil part…
See, on top of the fridge was a box full of old things of mine, some photos, some cards. Quite a few of the cards were from Zelena. They were Birthday, Anniversary, Valentine’s, and Christmas cards. And each one was filled with lies. Wicked, evil lies about his feelings, feelings we all know now he is not even capable of.
Tossing them in the trash felt good, it felt freeing. But in my head there were these reminders now of just how capable of evil and deceit Zelena is, and just how long I was kept in bondage to that by my belief in false teachings of the church that kept me tied to a man who hates me, who hates my children, who hates God.
That’s a lot to deal with.
Yesterday I read an article about having a list of victories to recall when life begins to get oppressive. It was geared toward business people, but its truth is for all.
Satan likes to tear us down. All it takes is one negative thought, and it’s as if he grabs hold and sticks to it, dredging up more and more. Recalling our victories, and Christ’s victory, remind us that we are not what Satan wants us to think we are, we are nothing like what he says.
We are what Christ says. If we are truly repentant, truly Christ’s (and let’s make sure we know that for certain, as you know from my story it is really easy to deceive yourself), then we are covered with His righteousness and it doesn’t matter if our spouse/ex-spouse is sold out to Satan in everything they do, we are Christ’s.
I think this is really important for the faithful spouse to get into her/his head, because the rejection we feel is so much more than you can imagine if you’ve never been cheated on or abused by the person who swore before God and man to love you and then turned out to hate you more than anything. They rejected God, not us. It seems personal, it looks personal, but it’s not personal toward us, the rejection, the abuse, the cruelty, the evil is just the physical manifestation of their spiritual condition.
The abusers act exactly like they are supposed to act considering whom they serve.
So, my victories…
Well, despite the best the enemy could throw at me, namely 46 years of abuse at the hands of professing Christians, I’m still here, and more trusting of God than ever.
And I’m still taking care of my kids, still trying to find ways to lead them to God, teach them to love Him.
And I’m working through the crap that Zelena and my parents and his parents have constantly dumped on me my whole life. And I can see that at the end of this, I will be even stronger, and even more capable of serving God.
So, Zelena hoped his evil would destroy me, my parents the same. Satan hoped their evil would turn me from God.
It looks like they lost, and God and I won.