The following story is disturbing. Far more disturbing than anything I’ve ever written. Because in this story, I finally tell the truth. The whole truth.
I’m an open person. You don’t need to know me long before you learn that. My filter is almost non-existent. I’m trying to learn, but I’ve just never been particularly good at keeping things inside. Except one thing. Abuse.
I’m adept at keeping abuse secrets. It’s a skill my parents taught me, the first one they taught me. Don’t tell. Especially, don’t tell because no one cares about you.
Over the past several weeks I have had conversations with several women who either were or are currently in abusive marriages. I often joke that abusers must all be channeling the same demon because they do and say the exact same things. They are like clones of each other. But in these latest conversations, that truth took on an incredibly dark hue. This has led me to the point where I feel I must finally share the whole story, damn the consequences.
My father is addicted to porn. Has been since he was young. I credit this addiction with my conception See, he was practically engaged to another woman, but he was screwing around behind her back. I am a result of one of those liaisons. There will be more about this addiction later, but I’m going to tell my story chronologically.
When I was six, we moved across the street from a man who was addicted to porn. He was having sex with his daughter. She molested every single child in the neighborhood. She was eight. My brother was five.
Two years later, they moved away. But we got a new babysitter at that time. He was addicted to porn as well. He showed us porn magazines and molested us. I was eight. My brother was seven. My sister was three.
When I reached puberty, my father took to ogling. He liked to see me in tiny bathing suits and skimpy clothes. In his eyes you could see what he was thinking.
When I was 18, I met Zelena.
He knew before we began dating that I hated porn. That I hated the way Hollywood used women. After we started dating, I told him all the reasons why. I told him exactly what I told you. He was the only person I’d ever told.
Zelena lied to me from the moment we met. He lied every single day after that. Every day of our marriage he lied to me, over and over and over and over. He lied to you too, and he continues to lie to you. Even the people in his old support group probably don’t know the true extent of the lies and their effect on me, because he neglects to tell the whole story.
He told me that at one time he’d had a problem with porn, but said that was in the past.
If he had told me the truth, I never would have married him. I never would have dated him. I never would have spoken to him again.
Zelena has been addicted to porn for nearly 40 years. His addiction destroyed my life, and the lives of my children. Because of his addiction, people are not people, they are things. And things don’t matter.
Because of his addiction, he rejected me on our wedding night, and almost every night thereafter. We’ve had sex maybe 20 times in our entire marriage. He blamed me. Made me feel and think it was my fault.
And he could do that, because my parents made sure I knew their abuse was my fault.
And I could believe all of them, because the church insists that I submit and honor them, even if they abuse me. The church teaches women to NEVER say anything bad about their husbands. It’s a by-law in every women’s bible study I’ve ever attended. The church teaches children to honor their parents and obey them, no matter what.
The church ignores in their teaching any possibility that abuse exists. And the abused have no recourse.
Look, I love God. I know that these things have nothing to do with Him. I love my specific church, because without their teaching on God’s love, I never would have known that what Zelena was doing to me was wrong and that God didn’t want me to be in that, especially as it was turning my children away from Christ.
See, that’s what porn addicts do. They abuse, they treat people with contempt and malice. They are, in my opinion, some of the most evil people, quite possibly beyond help.
All those women I’ve spoken to over the past few weeks, all of their abusive husbands are addicted to porn. Almost every one of them lies about it.
Everything that has happened to me over the past 21 years, never would have happened, if Zelena hadn’t lied. But he just can’t help himself.
You are from your father the devil, and you choose to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks according to his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies. John 8:44