A few weeks ago I got the surprise of my life when Stater Bros called me and told me I’d been hired. I had applied for the same reason I apply anywhere, because there was a sign in the window. After my initial interview I didn’t figure I got the job. Apparently I misread the situation.
And so, I work at a grocery store. My job is Courtesy Clerk, which is pretty much where everyone starts. I like it.
I used to work for Vons. 30 years ago I had this same job, then I was promoted to Bakery. I quit the job to get a normal 9-5 so I could spend time with you-know-who. My current joke is that I should have stayed working at Vons.
My manager at SB started working for SB the same years I started working at Vons. Not that I’m saying I’d ever have been a manager, but, well, I think you can get the correlation here.
So, here I am, at a job, that is bound to trigger something.
When the threat of triggers is this severe, I shut down reality. There’s really not a whole lot else I can do if I wish to function.
I know, religious folks will say “have faith” but “faith” is what got me into my current hell. “Faith” in the lies of the church that told me if I just…insert rule, be more submissive, be more supportive, get my theology straight, get my act together, blah, blah, blah.
So, at times like this I hold God’s hand loosely, if at all. I fear that if I don’t I will begin to associate God with the lies all these religious people spent years telling me, and continue to tell me.
It’s not a good plan, but it’s the only plan I currently have.
Right now, I want to say something good that I did, but I can’t. Forty-six years of being told I’m worthless by the people who were supposed to care has left me with the knowledge that I can do nothing right and I will always be worthless. And the church at the same time telling me I just needed to be more submissive to these people and know that there is truth in some of their words. Yep…it’s a mess. In case you haven’t already figured that out.
We’ve been working on that in therapy, but there is a good chance I have to give up therapy for this job. It’s just one of those things. To move forward, I apparently have to give up things that are helpful to me.
And, there’s the trigger.
I’ve been expecting it at work, something to happen that will make me think of the jerk, make me remember how I’ve wasted 25 years on him.
But the real trigger is I have to give up yet another thing I needed. I gave up everything I needed, wanted, dreamed of, etc, for him. And, again, because there is no other way to break free from him, I have to give up more.
I didn’t sleep last night. Partly because I did something stupid at work, but I know that when I lose sleep there’s something bigger than that.
Recovery is difficult enough and I have lost a lot of my support over the past months., first the abused women’s center, now therapy.
Everything, I give up again.
And then, it’s only me.
As it always has been.
Because, God is a great God but He works through people. And people don’t have time for this sort of thing, that’s why we created therapists.