My whole life I had false guilt heaped on me. My mother made a game of bringing up everything I’d ever done in my life that she thought was stupid. Most churches I attended heaped false guilt on me by putting the onus on me for the behavior of my abusers (ie Your parents have to beat you because you disobey them. Your husband would be a better husband if you were more submissive. Your life would be better if you prayed more/were more godly.). Sometimes I had friends who did the same. Until it got to the point where blame shifting became something I tried to do as well. I suck at it. Don’t know why, but I do.
It’s taken me nearly two years to shake the false guilt and be able to understand the difference between what people put on me, and what is real.
Today was good in that regard. Not that today is good. Today sucks. It’s one of the worst days I’ve had in a while. I count it worse than when I had that run in at work because that was all on her. This is all on me.
It just hasn’t been my day, and it mostly has to do with the stress I suddenly found myself under. That’s not an excuse, or even an explanation. It’s something I acknowledge because I need to learn how to deal with it.
There are things that are easier now that I’m a single mom, but the stress of all the parenting being on me is not. The stress of having to face every problem alone is not. Those are the same as when I was married because my ex really couldn’t care less about anyone but himself.
So the stress weighs on me, the problems become bigger than they would be if what complementarian leaders said about their teachings was true. And somehow I need to learn to deal with that without messing things up. I’m not talking about being perfect, but that’s not what today’s situation was about. I’m talking about learning how to deal with situations in a better way. A way that will be good to others and weigh me down with less guilt.
I am thankful for wise people involved in the situation who are helping me learn. But, dang, it’d be nice if I hadn’t f***** up in the first place.