It Feels Like…Clarity


It’s been one of those months. That’s a statement. The facts behind it are invisible because it literally is all in my head. Not that it’s not real, as Dumbledore said, just that no one can else can see it.

There has been a lot to deal with, some of which I’ve honestly, totally avoided. I’m not averse to confrontation, just to the reactions of others. The reaction I can’t deal with is not hostility, it’s ignoring. That look people give me when I bring up a grievance and they just give me the blank look. I get that from church people a lot. It triggers so much because I spent a lifetime receiving the same look from family and my ex.

I’m going to be frank about the look, it will offend the church people who give it, but the look basically says, I don’t give a f*ck about you.

The look sets me off so tremendously that I avoid it now at all costs.

When Zelena didn’t pay the electric bill for several months recently and we had the power cut off on a cold, rainy Friday, and he didn’t respond to my texts promptly, and when he gave his usual, worn out excuse about how it wasn’t his fault, it was the fault of the computer, that was the f*cking look.

I don’t care about you. I don’t care about the kids. I don’t give a f*ck.

And when I mention this to some church people I get the same look. This is actually most true of people who know both of us. So I avoid people who know both of us because I just can’t deal. Which means I avoid church for more reasons than the weekly indoctrination hour triggers even more sh*t. And people don’t get that either.

In other areas, things are going better. For some unknown reason I was finally able to muster the wherewithal to clean my room. It’s taken months to get to this point. See, I do this all on my own, in my own head. I don’t have time for therapy, don’t have money for a good therapist (though if my old therapist who does have this website address were to call I’d set up an appointment and find the money, lol). So I have to work through this on my own.

I’ve mentioned a few times that it has been helpful to meet my friend, Frankie. It’s just really good to have a person to whom I can say “This is how I feel.” And she doesn’t ask, “Why is that?” She just knows. And she says stuff and I think, “Yes, I understand. I know how you get to that point.”

The most useful thing Frankie has done for me is say the words, “You’ve got this.”

You see, I used to be religious, and I used to hear the words “God’s got this.” But, let’s be honest, when you look at my life, from my beginnings as an abused infant, God NEVER had it. Because, IMO, that’s not how God works, and if you’ve been reading my blog recently you’ll know who I think has this so I won’t expound.

Nope, God doesn’t have this. He never does. That’s not his role. That’s a role we placed on him so that we don’t have to help others.

But I do have it. I have the capabilities to decide how I deal with it. Now, I’ve had to teach myself how to do this, and I’ll be honest, there are days that when I go to work after a rough spot the only reason I’m happy is because I’ll see friends, and hopefully Frankie. 🙂 I’ll see people who I know are struggling with the day to day, who are trying in every way to make it work, the way people have to. I’ll see people who are d*mn frank about how hard it is. But they still go on, because that’s what people do.

God doesn’t have this. If you look honestly around the world, you will see this. But I have it.

This doesn’t mean I don’t believe in God, it just means I have stopped making him into some cosmic genie who’s gonna take care of me. Because, honestly, he never has.

This is hard for Christians to deal with. The pain and suffering of others has no place in their theology of “God’s got this.”

So, I avoid Christians who believe that because I honestly can’t stand to hear it because it’s like being slapped in the face. God doesn’t have this. He’s not gonna rescue me. He’s not gonna save me or pay my bills or make Zelena stop abusing us.

But I’ve got this. I’m gonna have to save myself (because the church no longer believes its calling is to actually help people, just to “lift them up” whatever the hell that means). I’m gonna keep a record of all the bills Zelena doesn’t pay, it will look good in court some day, I’m sure. I’m gonna protect myself, and my kids as much as possible, from his abuse, because, again, the church is not apparently called to protect victims only to revictimize them by making them play nice with their abuser/rapist/etc.

I’ve got this, because, well, there is no other choice.

When I was a young girl the words that kept me alive were not the words of God that Christians liked to threw at me when my mother was being cruel and vicious and telling me evil things about how God wanted me to suffer, and when my father was behaving in lascivious ways. The words were from Neitzche. His most famous words. “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.”

Back then, though, it was only a hope. I had a hope that one day I’d be stronger, one day I’d figure out a way to break away from my abusive parents and the family that supported them. I believed for far too long that the people who called themselves Christians would be the one’s who helped me. It was a false belief. Most Christians believe that we must bind ourselves to our abusers by prayer and by kind acts and by allowing them in our lives so we can be witnesses to them.

Most Christians do not want victims to be free. This fact is built into their theology.

It’s taken breaking away from all of the religion, first the idea that I had no choice but to stay married because God would be angry with ME (not my ex who is an abusive, porn-addicted a**hole) if I ended the marriage. And, over the past year, the idea that if I just pray better/right/etc, if I just follow what (insert religious teacher’s name) says, God will bless me.

God’s not really in that business. Again, all you have to do is truly open your eyes to all the hell people around the world are suffering to see that truth.

But now I really do have this. It’s still hard, but not nearly as hard as thinking I was waiting on a god of religion’s imagination to ride in on a white horse and save me.

I’ve got this.

And what didn’t kill me did finally make me stronger.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Lesley says:

    Hi Sara, I’m sorry things have been so difficult, and especially that you have been so badly hurt by the church and by Christians. Jesus always cared for those who were suffering or looked down on by others and I believe we are called to follow his example. It’s sad that so often the church does the opposite. I just want you to know that I care. I think you are incredibly strong and I’m glad you have a friend who listens and understands.

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