A year ago the boys and I were baptized. I know for a fact that a lot of my religious friends thought that somehow this act was going to be the thing that solved all my problems and laid all my questions to rest.

In the months following I would be admonished on occasion that my questions and worries were a result of demonic attack simply because I had recently been baptized.

The verbal disciplinary actions were no answer to the increasingly serious questions I have. Questions I usually only hear atheists asking. Questions I more often hear Christians mocking, or giving the weakest of answers like “we don’t know, you just have to have faith.”

Those answers are useless. They are empty not only of thought but of any true faith you might be claiming by stating such. 

I believe that if faith is sure I can ask you any question and you enquire after an answer without shaking your faith.

I have not found that spirit of inquiry within the church.

Perhaps it is simply because I am a woman. The few times I have been bold enough to question a pastor directly I get a verbal brush-off, and I really do get the feeling that pastors don’t have the time to deal with women’s questions. 

Still, I continue to question and search for answers. So far, the few answers I’ve found have disturbed me. 

Interesting to me is that the answers are exactly the way I would have answered only a year ago. I would have said the things I now find appalling and troubling. I would have replied to my own questions in ways that now twist my gut when I hear them from a religious person.

In the year since I was baptized I have stared into the evil I have witnessed growing up in the church and in a religious family and have found this religion not just wanting but devoid of anything resembling humanity, let alone Jesus.

I have spoken with and read blogs of people who have been shunted out the back door of their churches be they conservative or liberal or anywhere in between.

This only leads to more questions and less answers from religious folk. And more accusations that I am giving myself over to sin and the devil and all the hocus pocus religious people can blame rather than deal with the fact that there is something deficient in their so-called faith.

If religion can only answer “you just need to have faith and trust God,” then I can only hope there is no future for such a man-made creation. Because “trust God” never helped an abused woman, it never protected the rape victim, it never saved the martyred child.

Faith had better have some better answers or when the real hell breaks loose in lives the only people left with faith will not be the faithful, as is often taught, they will be the unquestioning followers, those walking around with their eyes wide shut. 

That is not faith.

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