If you’ve read my blog for long you have seen that I’ve been angry for a while. Most of my anger was directed at the Christian church for it’s lack of…no better way to say this…giving a damn about suffering people.
In hindsight what you were actually reading was my deconversion.
Religion makes a lot of promises. These are promises no one can keep. Of course, the purveyors say that we can’t attain these promises unless we do what is said in whatever book or by whatever guru we are following. This lets them off the hook when their promises fail to manifest. They always have a ton of excuses as to why nothing promised has happened, including the idea that at least when you die, you’ll be rewarded with heaven or virgins or returning as someone richer. At their cores, all religions are the same.
And all religions lie.
Lying bothers me. In fact it makes me a mess. I grew up having to lie about my family. I was suicidal. I spent the next 25 years having to lie about my ex. I was completely mad (in the crazy sense of the word). Over all that time, plus two years, I had to lie about faith. I was angry. It was only after I left each of these that I realized the lies I’d been forced to tell.
On any given Sunday you can walk into any Christian church and you will be surrounded by liars. Oh, they have no idea they are lying, they are simply parroting what they’ve been told, almost always since they were infants. The saddest of all are those who are suffering who come into church with a smile on their face and no one knows.
I used to be of the crowd that told people to talk to others, that Christians did really care and the suffering didn’t need to hide. Looking back I can see I was lying. No, I wasn’t just wrong, I knowingly lied. I knew the truth from my own experience. Parishioners don’t care. Pastors don’t care.
Truly suffer something terrible and be truly sad about it. Oh, the compassion might last a few weeks, but if you continue to have problems, screw you.
I knew this. I had experienced first hand this truth. But I didn’t want it to be true. And, as the adage goes, repeat a lie often enough and people will begin to believe it. So I repeated the lie and tried to believe it.
The truth is 99% of Christians don’t care and don’t want to know what’s so terrible behind the closed doors of your house. The truth is 99.9% of Christians don’t want to do anything about it.
Christianity is just something we hope will get us what we want and those of us who get what we want push it on those of us who don’t, and then turn away from the suffering when our promises fail.
But now that I see all this, now that I know that all of this is bunk, I’m not angry at all…except at customers who call at the last minute for orders and it throws my whole schedule off…but I digress.
Religion and faith make far more sense from this side. I used to wonder why nothing worked even though I jumped through all the hoops religion demanded. It frustrated me to no end. And it made me angry.
In hindsight, being in religion was exactly like my abusive marriage. A lot of lies, a lot of false promises, a lot of bait switching, a lot more lies, and some serious cruelty in suffering.
Now, even my abusive marriage makes sense. Weird, but true. See it’s so simple…some people are cruel and evil because it makes them feel good. (Considering my ex’s sexual fetishes I’d say it gets them off.) And others stay in abuse because we live in a world that teaches, via religion, that abuse is OK and even good.
It’s weird the peace of mind I have now. The peace promised by religions throughout the world and never delivered.
Oh, I still have PTSD and anxiety, I still have fears of the most innocuous things. But the difference is that no one within Atheism is promising me that being an Atheist will make it all better.
It’s all up to me now, and science, and medicine, and psychology. Not sure I’ll ever get there because there are huge monetary hurdles (sadly Obamacare didn’t cover everything…and Trumpcare…wait, that’s a total oxymoron). The hurdles are things people of faith told me to pray about. Of course, none of that worked. Because there is no God, there is no Jesus riding in on a white horse to save us. There’s just us. And that terrifies the shit out of people. Too bad. Because if we would just realize that no one but us is going to save us, we could “do some epic you know what.”*
*Quote from Diego Footer, Permaculture Voices Podcast