(This is more a journal entry than a blog post. I sometimes post them because in my convoluted mind it makes me feel more accountable.)
On Saturday I did something I swore I was never going to do again. I brought up the abuse in general conversation with someone I'd only just met. I did it again on Sunday.
To be fair to myself, three days later, and after 72 hours of verbal and mental self-flagellation, it was a test. The people weren't just random people I knew I'd probably never see again. These people were potential long-term acquaintances. (And some day I might work up the courage to call them friends.) So, yeah, it was a test.
I don't actually do that much, test people. I don't do things to intentionally push them away. I am just who I am and if you don't like it, well, that probably makes you sane. Or so says that voice inside my head.
I know I've talked about the voice before, that one that berates me and tells me I'm worthless and sounds a hell of a lot like my mother, even uses her same words that she used all my life. But that voice has been silent over the past month. I guess I thought she'd gone away for good. Yeah, fat chance.
I see now, the voice has been there, just not as loud as it was this week.
The voice tells me I don't deserve friends. It tells me that the reason people don't call me and plan things with me is that I've done something to hurt them, and isn't that so typical of me, being the selfish bitch that I am. All I ever do is think of myself, never think of anyone else.
Or so the voice, my mother, says.
I wish I could just say "fuck you, bitch, go to hell," but it doesn't work that way. The voice is there, like I said, even when I think it isn't.
It keeps me from sending a message to someone who is expecting it because my life isn't perfect and "nobody cares about your problems." And I can't tell them everything is fine because then I'd be a liar. It keeps me from trying to get together with people because I'll do or say something offensive, which is so typical of me, I'm selfish like that.
It keeps my mind stuck repeating anything it thinks I did or said which will cause the person I was with to despise me now. And the more time I spend with people, the louder the voice gets.
I suppose that's why it was so loud this week. I haven't been around large groups of people since I left work. So now that I'm venturing out, it's back loud and clear.
In my typical Pollyanna way, this morning I called it a good thing that it happened so I won't necessarily freeze up next week when school starts because I'll know what is going on.
But it's not good, it's evil, and next week it will continue and won't abate because that's what it does.
I don't write this to make people depressed or to make people pity me (oh, god, don't do that because then the voice will start screaming), I just find that if I put my own voice to it, the shit clears and things settle down for a bit. And I really need things to settle down for a bit. I mean, I am starting school, meeting new friends, rebuilding my life, trying to appear normal to people I encounter each day…this is not easy work. 🙂