Sunday Speculation: Where

thoughtsandprayers

Where are the people who promised that if I kept my eyes on god and took care of my husband, then everything would work out? Where are the people who admonished me and shamed me into silence about the abuse of my parents and my husband? Where are the people who promised an ideal life if I had a lot of kids because that’s what the bible says?

Well, they made their excuses, which boil down to, “You’re not good enough,” and they moved on to their next victims. Those victims are the other children desperate for a love they never got from their abusive parents, desperate for a sense of belonging society never gives to those who live with that sort of fear.

Religion makes promises it knows it can’t keep. It lies to keep you in line. It offers hope where their is never going to be hope. And it does all this by making you feel as if you are not enough.

You cannot possibly save yourself, and that seems true to a girl who is constantly abused by her parents. How can child remove herself? She can’t. So the church, instead of actually doing anything about abuse, instead offers a false promise. That way, they can feel like they have done something without ever having to actually do anything.

Every Sunday morning for over a year, even when I was working 60 hours a week, I have gone to Target to do the grocery shopping. And many of those mornings I have been met by the hard reality that the jackass ex of mine has yet again not put enough money into the account to feed his own children. No surprise really. He knows exactly how that made me feel. It was one of the ways he kept me in fear when we were married, and it continued after we split up.

Interestingly, it doesn’t do that anymore. Something changed over the summer, though I cannot yet tell you what it is, but I just don’t give a damn. Yes, it’s inconvenient and it pisses me off, but it doesn’t make me fearful, it just makes me acknowledge that I sure as hell made all the right choices in leaving him, then in leaving the church and religion.

No god ever answered my prayers when I asked that my parents would stop abusing us, and no god ever answered those same prayers about my ex. No god ever answered a single prayer of my kids. There’s never been any god who met any of my needs, or that of any others.

But those people who promise that some god will, they keep promising, and people who are desperate keep believing. Those of us raised in fear are easy to dupe because we are so needy. We see no problem with adding a fear of god to the list of fears we already have. It’s normal to us.

Since I left the fear of religion, the other fears have slowly been shedding like so much dead skin. Again, I have no idea why, maybe my mind is just starting to realize that fear is unnecessary.

I was asked at a work training two weeks ago why I’m not afraid of public speaking anymore and I replied without thinking, “I promised myself a while ago that I would never be afraid of anything again.” I must have at some point and just not realized it until now.

The people who promised a good life for obedience are long gone. They are not here to help me with the mess they helped create with their lies. Typical of such people, though, isn’t it? In fact, it must be, because there is even a song about it.

Baby saw that when they pulled that big top down
They left behind her dreams among the litter
The different kind of love she thought she’d found
There was nothin’ left but sawdust and some glitter

One thought on “Sunday Speculation: Where

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s