Fear

robert-sapolsky-quote-1

It has been a difficult week, probably in the top five of the worst weeks of my life. For those who actually know me, you might be able to guess from the news last Sunday. I think it’s the first time a piece of news and policy has ruined me, and the fear was some of the greatest I have ever experienced.

Fear is never good. Religious people tout it as the penultimate. “Fear god,” they say. But fear destroys a person. It destroys not just the spirit, but the mind. There have been enough studies done that this should be common knowledge by now. It is incredibly difficult for those living in fear to function in their day to day lives. Oh, they might get the work done, but that is not the same as functioning. And learning while experiencing fear is very difficult. In fact, all stress makes learning difficult. Which is what I have discovered this term.

It has been a rough term. I hope this goes down as my worst term ever. If I can salvage it with B’s in my important classes, I will be ecstatic. Stuff just isn’t sticking like it should. I might complain occasionally about how long Chaffey’s semesters are (18 weeks, the longest in the state), but by this time of the term, I’m usually happy with that. It gives me just enough time to catch up.

This week, though, things were the worst. I usually take about a day to turn around from depressed to functioning. It took me nearly a week this time. By Thursday I had actually given up hope and thought the despair was going to be permanent. I even thought about emailing my boss to say there was no way I could come to training.

I write these things so that others understand that life does indeed suck. We are often shamed into keeping these things quiet. We are told that we are whining and complaining when we speak out about our suffering or talk with others about our mental well-being. But talking to others about what’s happening in your life, and crying over it, has been proven to alleviate stress greatly.

The situation is still serious. Not dire yet, but worrisome enough that, aside from schoolwork and all the other things I have to do, I must make contingency plans. And that pisses me off because, you know, we are finally getting to a good place. We are finally getting off the ground. We are finally beginning to heal. And now, it is all threatened.

But, my mind doesn’t like fear. It won’t tolerate it anymore. So, by Friday morning, it was coming around. It’s still there, and will remain there until something is finally done that I have zero control over.

My main fear was if this does come to a head, if it is pushed the way conservative religious freaks want it, what would I do? Then, I remembered my favorite scene in both the books and movies of Harry Potter.

Don’t mess with my kids, and it will go well for you. (It’s a mom thing, you might not understand.)

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