PTSD and Life 2

Today is a rough day. It’s been a rough couple of weeks. I don’t see it getting better anytime in the near future.

I’ve been trying to figure out what is so much more difficult this term. I am at a point where it is difficult for me to retain information. This makes exams particularly grueling. I’m not stupid, my grades in other difficult classes are evidence, but my mind is not keeping information like it used to.

Over this last week, I have tried to reach out to a few people. This is something that is very difficult for people who have experienced abuse. We are taught by our abusers that no one wants to hear us “complain.” We are taught by our abusers that we aren’t worthwhile so no one really cares about us. Reaching out is painful and triggering.

I was in therapy until nearly the end of Spring term. They cut me loose after they declared me just fine. I knew I wasn’t but, to be honest, the group I was attending had no idea what to do with PTSD. When I would try to talk about my triggers, the therapists would actually shame me. One time my assigned therapist was training another and that woman was an Evangelical who attacked me for my discussion of the religious abuse. My therapist was supportive of the other therapist.

There are a hundred more stories I could tell, but my biggest problem is that they cut me loose even though they knew I had PTSD and no support. That’s pretty damned irresponsible.

So now I’m over halfway through the term and barely holding it together. If I can force myself to function through the end of this day, I deserve a fucking metal.

4 thoughts on “PTSD and Life 2

  1. tayryn says:

    My first instinct is to offer hugs… tis always my first thought – even though, on the best of days, I hate being touched – but hugs, when offering comfort are different.

    So, virtual hugs coming your way.

    Your therapist there should be smacked!! Hard!!

    I won’t even begin to pretend I fully comprehend all you’re going through, though I wish there was something I could do to help. I hate seeing friends hurting – in any way. So know that I am also sending all the positive thoughts I can muster your way. And if you ever need to vent, my email’s open. I may not have any answers or advice, but I am a good listener… even via email. 🙂

    You can make it today. You can.

    *hugs*

    • sarasamomx5 says:

      Thanks. I contacted my boss to see if I can skip part of today. I told her the reason for the reaction I’m having. That’s just going to make today worse because telling people about my PTSD *when* it’s this bad is just inviting self-hatred later. If I can just convince myself in five minutes to get my kids up for school, that will be something.

      I know you and a couple others are available, but, as I said, my abusers did a good job, as all.of them do, convincing me that I’m a trouble to others and the majority of others haven’t proved them wrong. It’s not you and my friends, I do appreciate you guys who are willing to listen. I may even write later because now I’ve told one person I might be bold enough to tell another.

      Thanks. 🙂

  2. Lesley says:

    I’m sorry it is so tough right now and that you were let down so badly by those therapists. I think it’s great that you have talked about how you’re feeling and asked for help, even in small ways as I know that’s hard.
    I wish there was something I could do to help. At least I can encourage you that I hear you and I care. You are worthwhile and you deserve to be listened to. Hugs!

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