Today is a rough day. It’s been a rough couple of weeks. I don’t see it getting better anytime in the near future.
I’ve been trying to figure out what is so much more difficult this term. I am at a point where it is difficult for me to retain information. This makes exams particularly grueling. I’m not stupid, my grades in other difficult classes are evidence, but my mind is not keeping information like it used to.
Over this last week, I have tried to reach out to a few people. This is something that is very difficult for people who have experienced abuse. We are taught by our abusers that no one wants to hear us “complain.” We are taught by our abusers that we aren’t worthwhile so no one really cares about us. Reaching out is painful and triggering.
I was in therapy until nearly the end of Spring term. They cut me loose after they declared me just fine. I knew I wasn’t but, to be honest, the group I was attending had no idea what to do with PTSD. When I would try to talk about my triggers, the therapists would actually shame me. One time my assigned therapist was training another and that woman was an Evangelical who attacked me for my discussion of the religious abuse. My therapist was supportive of the other therapist.
There are a hundred more stories I could tell, but my biggest problem is that they cut me loose even though they knew I had PTSD and no support. That’s pretty damned irresponsible.
So now I’m over halfway through the term and barely holding it together. If I can force myself to function through the end of this day, I deserve a fucking metal.