It’s so different now. I watch people who are like I was before the PTSD took over my mind and I cringe. I don’t begrudge them, I just hate myself for ever being like that, for ever trusting that deeply, for ever allowing myself that much freedom.
It was weird to be in a place today where I’d normally have been an interested and active party, only to sit there and only minimally participate. Considering the nature of my work, that is not usual behavior. Most of us are serious about our work and that requires us to take part in the interactive sessions at a conference.
I have pulled away from all that. I wasn’t rude, but I didn’t speak unless I felt I absolutely must to be polite. I had conversations, but not like I used to. A part of me likes this. It feels so safe. People who thought I was loud and obnoxious before can no longer say that. I am no longer allowing myself to be close to the people around me, so I feel far safer than I did before.
But I know this is not me, so I know it is not good. I keep trying to see a future where I am what I was supposed to be. Then, I realize that I have no idea what that even was. Such is the nature of child abuse.
At this moment, however, I can see a better end. I’m not sure why, but it’s there. It’s going to take a little longer, but I think, as a result of this set back, it will be better than what it would have been.
That is my nature, to find the way through, to find a way to get over the difficulties and go on. That is my strength, at this stage it is my superpower. Mostly, though, it is who I really am and always have been, no matter who has tried to take it away.