I was looking through some old notes for a story I wrote a while back when I came across a quote I had written down a week before I started school back in the summer of 2017. It’s a quote from some guy names Brendon Bruchard. I have no idea who this is, except he looks to be one of those motivational speakers. I also have no idea where I heard this quote.

Do the things that are going to move you forward.

I am in the struggle of the terrible fact that sometimes moving forward looks like you are moving backward.

From the inside and the outside, it looks as if I have lost most everything I was working toward. With my attempt at a late withdrawal, and my need to take it easy next term as I recover, I feel as if I have lost my chance at UCSB  to finish my undergrad work. All told, I will lose an entire year to this. It’s disheartening to say the least.

Sometimes moving forward feels like you are moving backward.

I have spent the last four days in a manic state that shows no sign of ending, except when I think of going back to school and work tomorrow. Then I freeze up, then the panic begins again.

It’s been several years since things have been this bad. And it feels and looks as if I am definitely moving backward.

But I realize I am not. I still get out of bed in the morning. When it was this bad before, that couldn’t happen. I still go to work and keep my commitments. That, too, was impossible the last time it was this bad.

There are improvements. So, maybe, for right now, it’s more just a step back. Sometimes I suppose we must do that. And in hindsight I think this is entirely overdue.

I tell my kids that, in the end, this will make everything much better than it would have been. I am the kind of person who believes that way.

It doesn’t look like much, right now. But even as little forward as I might be moving, it moves me away from where I don’t ever want to be again.

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