Writing and PTSD

I’ve been trying to write, but nothing comes out. It’s difficult to explain how my mind is working right now. It’s rather nonsensical. I care, but I don’t. How does one explain that?

I do have a theory as to why, however. Why my brain cares, but then it immediately doesn’t. It’s directly related to the trigger that exacerbated my previously unnoticed/un-understood mental decline.

I’ll be honest, in my entire life I was never so triggered by something the way I was that moment. Less than two weeks later, I could barely make it through a day.

Now, when I try to care, when I see an injustice, I still react the way I would have, only my mind shuts it down within one second. After last time, who can blame it.

Our mind’s function is self-preservation. It’s why we flinch when we see something coming at us from the corner of our eye. It’s why even the least educated person is so good at cognitive dissonance.

My mind protects itself by caring, but not caring. I care, I’ll help, but I can’t care like that. Not for that long. Not anymore.

And shouldn’t that be enough to convince “normal” people to stand up and fight abuse?

Maybe, however, there are not many “normal” people out there. Maybe the reason the people of the world are so cruel and uncaring is that most societies train their children via abuse and keep adults in line via threats of abuse.

I used to think our next big cognitive evolutionary leap would be the ridding of society of this idea of using fear to control. I’m no Lamarckian, by any means, but it seemed for a while that we really were moving that direction. It turns out that, more likely, we had a brief period in experimental compassion and it is now being crushed by mankind’s animal nature.

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